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TFTC S1E4: "Susie and Her Hand" Transcript

Updated: Apr 7




This is Susie's story about their sex life and how they've built up to the point where they can tell someone to GTFO if they don't want to have sex anymore.

Steph: Welcome to Tales from the Clit. I'm Stephanie, I'm a sexual educator. Since 1982, over two billion federal dollars have been spent on abstinence education programs.

Meanwhile, only 13 states require the information in sexual education programs to be medically accurate. these political choices have a very real effect on the personal lives of individual citizens in the United States.

I believe that every sexual encounter is a learning experience, I believe in the power of storytelling, especially as an educational tool, this podcast is a blatant attempt to mix these two beliefs in which you and I will be learning about sex through the stories people tell. Listener discretion is advised.

Today we're talking to...

Susie: Susie.

Steph: and how do we know each other, Suzie?

Susie: We're school friends, and we're gonna be talking about, Oh, my short and horrifying sex life.

Steph: Oh, my goodness. Okay, where do you wanna start?

Susie: Well, the whole story probably takes about 10 minutes when I say short, it's sort... But the first time that I ever had sex, I was 16.

Steph: And when you say sex? Does that mean penis in vagina stuff.

Susie: Yeah, like the typical 16, this is all that sex is kind of sex. The ones that you see in TV, very just abruptly penis into vagina.

But I was at an engineering summer camp and I had no interest in becoming an engineer, but my mom told me to go anyways, so I went, and of course I was like, Well, I'm absolutely bored of everything going on in the summer camp, so I'm just gonna start fucking people.

Steph: Was this a conscious...

Susie: Yeah, no, I, I had just moved to California, it was like a Brand new slate, and I was like, I don't wanna be a virgin going into my new high school, and so I found the boy that I thought it was cute, we watched porn together, that's kind of how I knew-

Steph: What kind of porn?

Susie: Honestly, I don't remember, but it was from one of our friends that was also at the summer camp, her porn site on Tumblr, she ran her own porn site.

Steph: Interesting. So, her, like performing?

Suzie: No, she just reblogged porn.

And she would create the clips of porn and put it in...

Okay, yeah, we were all minors at this point, so it would have been really bad if she was doing that, but yeah, we were all... We just were watching the porn together, and even though I hadn't had sex up into that point, I'd still known and heard a lot about it, so watching the porn with other people wasn't new to me, right. It was more so being involved in the sex that was new to me, but a couple of weeks went by, he was honestly, he was a hard fish to catch... Put that out there. I think he was interested in somebody else actually, but I was like, No, you are gonna fuck me at... And one of the nights, one of our friends brought in alcohol, and of course, that's just the perfect potion for sexual activities, and I was pretty drunk and I let him into my room, I lied down, I opened my legs and I said, Let's get started.

I'm not even joking about that.

Steph: So bold!

Suzie: Yeah, I wanted... I didn't think that steps before that were necessary. Cuz all I knew was porn, the porn that I watched was it didn't really even have those stories in the beginning, people...

Steph: The foreplay?

Suzie: Yeah, not even the foreplay, but... Oh, how did they end up in the house? How did they end up fucking... Some people tell me that that's their favorite part of porn, I find it really boring.

Steph: The part where they're like...

Suzie: Oh, Mr. pizza delivery man, why don't you come inside. And so I just was like, There's no foreplay. There's no introductions. You just start fucking... And so I did. And it sucked. Yeah, it was horrifying, but I also... I didn't know that there were other things. So my 16-year brain was great, that's what sex is, and I just feel like that snapping made me lose that train of thought. I'm gonna re-do that part, but yeah, but I thought that just the abrupt fucking was what sex was, and I didn't really... Even up until I was 18, there was the really making out before the sex happened, it was just like boyfriend came over, sex and vagina...

Steph: and then he came... And he left?

Suzie: Yeah, well, yeah, and I mean, I didn't like him very much.

Steph: Oh, he became your boyfriend.

Suzie: not that guy... Oh sorry, I jumped ahead a... Sorry.

Yeah, the summer camp ended, I strung along a few other guys but didn't have sex with them and... Yeah, so I left Summer Camp and I moved to SoCal where I was to start my new school year, and while I was there about a couple of months in, I met this guy, and his name is irrelevant, but he was this tall, lanky white guy, but he had this ginormous dick, it was probably eight or nine inches, very girthy, but he didn't know what to do with it, and I feel like a lot of people think, Oh, just 'cause you have a big dick, they're automatically good at sex. Take it from somebody who was with that big dick for eight months, it was never good...

Steph: And it's also not a good starter dick, if that's your second person.

Susie: and I was really good at giving blow jobs, and I was really good... Our sex was boring. We only had sex in missionary to be honest, at the time I was really uncomfortable with my body and I didn't really wanna ever be on top, so our two moves were missionary and doggy style, and it was like... We never really ventured outside that we never talked about doing anything else, and we never did anything else, and he would always try to make me orgasm, make me feel good, whatever you wanna say, but I just couldn't with him like he would try and maybe sometimes I would tell him to move or do something different, but it was like no matter what he did, it just never got to the point where it felt good that I felt turned on, let alone orgasm. Right.

And I couldn't even masturbate in front of him, and I, I'm, When I masturbate, I come in 15 seconds, it's an... And I can go on for half an hour and just have a great time, but then when it comes to being with somebody else, I just feel nothing in terms of masterbating.

And so I never wanted to do that either mind you, I was like 17 at this time.

Steph: And you were already avidly masturbating?

Susie: Yeah, I even thought that I started late for my friends, my friends really started masturbating when they were in sixth or seventh grade, well, and I didn't even know that women could masturbate until... Literally the end of my sophomore year of high school.

But once I found out, Yeah, it was constant. And I kind of thought that because I was doing that a lot by myself, that I didn't have to ask men to do anything for me, so now I... And a lot of them also, they kept saying it was gross, which started to make me...

Steph: what was gross?

Susie: Like, my pussy.

Yeah, and they would... Or fingering a girl or eating her out, things like that was gross to them, they're like 16-18... Honestly, I met 21-year-old who said the same thing, so certain men just don't change in the... Yeah, and you know, it just made me... I got to the point where I was so insecure about having sex 'cause it wasn't feeling good. None of the men like, they thought I was attractive, but then when actually came to making me feel good, they didn't want to or they thought it was gross, and I just started to really internalize that, and I was like, Well, am I gross? And I started to look at my body differently, especially my pussy, I would sit in front of the mirror of my legs open and be like, Why does it look like that?

And I went like that for a few years, and it wasn't until I really got to college, and I started having sex again, and I was still having bad sex in college, whether it was with men or women... Hold on, I think... This is making noise. It's hitting this thing that's... You were not kidding about it being super sensitive. is so sensitive.

Continue. Okay, so just real like... So I'm in college, not, right.

Still having bad sex. Men and women alike. I actually did have... Not all of my sexual encounters, have been horrifying, although most of them have been... I had one terrifying encounter, a, but I also had a few good ones, it was never with men though...

Steph: Interesting.

Susie: Yeah, it was always with women and it wasn't even necessarily that either of us orgasmed during it, but it just felt better... Then with having sex, and that could mean including toys, it could have included just fingering or just doing over the clothing stuff, but it always felt better and I'm not particularly attracted to any gender more than another by... There was just something, maybe I was... 'cause they knew how this kind of body worked more, or maybe they cared more about how I felt, but there was just something that made it better.

Steph: Do you feel like you can also relax more when you're with...

Susie: No. But I am very controlling. A lot of the bullying that I encountered when I was a kid, and my dad had a very political position, so I was always... People were always looking at me, and if I wasn't looking a certain way, acting a certain way, then it presented problems, and so I've always been very controlling over how I look and how people see me, and so that comfort never really changes with whom I'm with, but that's more of just because of how I have to constantly be in control, so... Yeah, I gave it anything so... Right.

That okay.

You were like, Oh, it picks up hand movements and feet movement, I was like, Oh no.

Is this gonna be bad?

That was me. So you're making... You do let it.

But yeah, the last time a sex before, I've been taking an emotional and sexual journey for myself and part the journey has not been having sex because it's just not worth it to have sex if it's not gonna be good sex, in my opinion.

Steph: And you already know it's gonna be bad sex?

Susie: Well, it's not that I know it's going to be bad, it's that I know I have trouble asking people for what I want, and until I'm in a position where I can do that, especially in relationship to my body, then I just know that it's going to be bad because I won't be able to communicate with the person on what I want, what I don't want, if I'm uncomfortable, things like that.

Steph: That so mature.

Susie: Yeah, I know I'm trying, I'm trying...

And yeah, 'cause for me, it's like I don't get horny all that often either, which I feel like makes it a little easier to not have sex, like some of my friends tell me the.

y just get this overwhelming need to be fucked, and maybe its since I... 'cause I used to be really horny too, but I got an IUD, and ever since then, I feel like I just haven't needed sex as much...

I actually wanted to perform a little experiment 'cause my IUD is expiring, I actually had it in for five years.

Wow. Isn't that really... Yeah, people always tell me that they never get past a year, I've had it for five years.

Steph: I'm going on Three.

Susie: Yeah, and so just for literally the past four or five years, I've had this IUD, I've really noticed a decrease in sex drive, and I don't know if it's because I kinda came to the realization of the sex I was having is bad, or that I was kind of going through an identity crisis, or if it's really because of this ID, because I've heard other people tell me their libido has gone down since they got their IUD, so that's happened to... You check that out.

Steph: Not really, I go back and forth 'cause I'm on other medication, so I go back and forth between being a horny little monster or just don't even look at me. No, nothing.

Susie: Yeah, I've had other friends tell me that too, but I feel like it really depends on the person, they don't... There's a lot of research, if any, in this specifically, and doctors aren't really helpful when it comes to that kind of thing, but anyway, so my last actual experience experience was also a horrifying, and I... So I invite this guy over who happens to be my mom's roommate, but yeah, I...

Steph: How old was he?

Susie: He's 22. Okay, my mom is 60, so it was a little weird, but more weird that my mom chose that guy as her roommate, like He's really cute, and I felt it, I felt that he was interested in me, and he was kind of like... He smoked weed, which is, if you do smoke weed, you're not gonna fuck me, because we're gonna be doing that before, during and after it, but... So he kind of just hit all the check marks on what I'm interested in, which usually doesn't have...

I'm a very picky person, but for him, it did happen to happen, and so we're flirting and stuff like that, and I invite him over to my place 'cause I'm not gonna fuck in my mom's house 'cause that's weird.

Ever since I've moved out. It's just weird. Yeah, so I invite him over to my place and we just start smoking a lot, and I thought my tolerance was higher, I also didn't want him to think that I couldn't keep up with him, so I was smoking more than I should have, and I end up getting really stoned, and he tells me his poetry that he had written, which was like a mediocre, but I wasn't gonna say that at the time... Right. And we end up starting to watch this action movie that I thought was really boring, so I was like, Can we skip this movie... Just go into my bedroom.

Like I literally said that... I'm a very upfront person, and so you know, we move into my bedroom and I'm stoned at this point probably shouldn't be having sex with a stranger kind of thing, but after time, it's just sometimes when you're on drugs, you aren't aware of how many drugs you're on, and unless there's a sober person in the room, it can be really hard to gauge. And so I invited him into my bed and I said Yes, and everything like that, so I don't think that it was necessarily an un-consensual sex act, but it was more so that he wasn't listening to me during the sex... That was a big no-no for me. So we get into the room and he just wants to shove his dick in my pussy, and I'm not feeling that, and you need to... You need to go downstairs, you need to eat me out, you need to do something.

Yeah, we need to finger me, you need to do something. And he did that exact same thing that those 16-year-old men did, not even men, boys, where they were like, Oh, but it's just so gross. I don't like how the pussy taste, I just don't wanna put in the work... Right.

And I stood up for myself, which I was very proud about because... Previously, I wouldn't have even done that.

But I was like, No, if you want to have sex with me, you need to go down on me.

So he goes down and he's nowhere even near the clitoris, you literally... It felt like he was going everywhere, except for where he was supposed to be going, and also personally, I just don't think the tongue has enough friction to make things happen, so I prefer when people use their hands, but he just... He wasn't listening. I aside this and he just wasn't listening, and so after not even two minutes, he looks up at me and he goes, You good, that... Yeah, he really says, you good?

And I was just so tired of trying to get him to do something that he wasn't gonna do and you know... And it was really high, and I was just fine. Just fucked me. You just get this over with. And he had the lights off, which if a guy turns the lights off, that's a red flag, in my opinion, I'm like, you're eager, hiding something or... Okay.

Steph: What happened... Well, it was just like nothing involving the line top in, but it was just like He... First off, I couldn't really even tell if he was wearing a condom, I'm pretty sure he was... 'cause I'm pretty sure we had a conversation about it, but it still didn't feel like he was wearing one and the lights were off.

He opened the condom wrapper, I didn't really have visual proof that it was on his penis, so we get started, and I was just... I was still so dry despite his very lacking attempt to get me wet.

Steph: Despite?

Susie: Despite... And so I'm just like literally, he comes within four minutes, and I know this because he told me after...

Steph: He timed himself?

Susie: He was like, How long do you think that was? I think only last four minutes and I was like, I don't think this is something you want me to know, but he's literally not even two minutes pass and he's like, You're ready for round two... And I just look at him and I go Get out of my room. Just leave. I just was so disgusted at that point. I didn't say anything else, I was just like, You need to leave. And he kept asking me why he said that he was having such a good time and things like that. And I was just like, No, you need to leave. And the only way that I was really able to get him out of my apartment was if I promised to texy him and hit him up tomorrow, which I didn't, I ghosted him, but as we were leaving, he's like, well, Can I have a hug to go and I was just like, will it make you fucking leave?

Steph: Wait, Did you say that?

Susie: No, I didn't. But I was thinking it... And I had to call him a lyft to... So I paid. I paid for his lyft, and so he leans down to give me a hug 'cause he was 6'3 and I'm barely 5'7, right. So he was quite a bit taller than me, so he leans down over me and grabs my ass and squeezes it twice before leaving, and I'm just like, did you not get the vibe that that's really not what I wanted, and men are just horrifyingly oblivious. Yeah, and horrifying doesn't necessarily mean scary, 'cause I have had one or two scary encounter when it comes to sex, but I more so means that it wasn't working out for you and that I would say a little more disgusted with just how the men were acting and so while I was never fearful of my life in those situations, it was just... It was annoying, it was shocking to see how little the men cared for how I was being... During the sex. And so, yeah, ever since ever since that last guy, I have not had sex with a guy, I told myself, no more one night stands with men, no more having sex two weeks into our relationship, when you've only been on one or two dates...

Steph: And how long ago was that?

Susie: It's probably been like a year.

Okay, and I've done other things, not that often, 'cause I'm just with school, with work, with trying to be a better version of myself, I just don't have time to be playing around with some people that don't really care, but it does get to the point where it's a little frustrating when I am like, Oh man, I do miss having sex. and I do, I wanna be in a relationship. And then you sit down and you just realize that nobody is at the same level of maturity of understanding of want or whatever as you are, and you're just like, Well, shit, did I get a little too mature?

That's kind of how I feel right now. I don't even wanna put up with people...

Steph: I feel that way too, sometimes, But I was gonna ask you, what did you learn from those experiences? But you got it. You nailed it.That's so introspective, and that's awesome.

Susie: I learned that really, you can make yourself feel really good, and that until other people want to make you feel as good as you make yourself feel, it's not worth it, and... Yeah, and if you're really good at masturbating... Yeah, and that you're never gonna find a person.

Steph: That's beautiful. That's a beautiful thing to end on.

Tales from the clit was recorded at the Ethnography Lab at UC Riverside in collaboration with the Cultural Media Archive. You can follow me, Stephanie, @SexEdSteph, and this podcast @_talesfromtheclit on Instagram. You can send any questions to our email talesfromtheclitoris@gmail.com.

If for any reason you were triggered by content in this episode or need resources to deal with sexual violence, then contact the rape, abuse and incest national hotline... 1 [800] 656-4673 or find it. www.rainn.org or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233, or find it at www.thehotline.org.

Cultural Media Archive.

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