TFTC: E2: "Mónica the Goddess" Transcript
Updated: Apr 7
TW: Rape and Assault
In this episode, I talk to Mónica about how she used masturbation as a way to heal from rape and assault. When two survivors get together to talk about sex, its inevitable that their trauma is going to come up. It's a part of us. However, this is not a traumatic story, it's a spiritual one. It's about putting so much work into healing and yourself, that sometimes, other people just aren't worthy.
This episode is in Spanglish.
Welcome to Tales from the Clit. I'm Stephanie, and I'm a sexual educator. Since 1982, over two billion federal dollars have been spent on abstinence education programs.
Meanwhile, only 13 states require the information and sexual education programs to be medically accurate, these political choices have a very real effect on the personal lives of individual citizens in the United States.
I believe that every sexual encounter is a learning experience. I believe in the power of storytelling, especially as an educational tool, this podcast is a blatant attempt to mix these two beliefs in which you and I will be learning about sex through the stories people tell. Listener Discretion is advised.
Steph: So today we're talking to...
S: and how do we know each other, Monica?
M: We know each other from Thrivers and Survivors at UCR. We were both really involved in the Women's Resource Center, that's where I met you and like our little group, and I remember you were one of the first people to talk to me about all these sexual things. That you took me to an adult store, and you were like, Oh, this is for this, and this is for this. It was like... Wow this is a lot but this is kinda cool.
S: Yeah, I forgot that we went to an adult store together. Yeah.
And what are we gonna talk about today?
M: Today we'll talk about my experiences with masturbation.
S: Okay, where do you wanna start?
M: So I'm a survivor. Right we met at the...
S: As am I, yes. That's how we met.
M: So, I struggled a lot after coming out about my assault with my sexuality because it was hard for me to feel safe even when I was with myself, because I mean my own thoughts, I felt like everything I had internalized, I wasn't even safe enough to do anything with myself, right. And there was a lot of shame associated that into my own body and my own sexuality, and just all of that stuff. So like I said, you were the first person to talk to me about masturbation and this natural way, where it wasn't the super sexualized, It was a way of reclaiming that and empowering ourselves again because of our sexual experiences, and so then I did eventually... I did buy a vibrator.
S: Yes, but not that time. Right?
M: No, it's way later.
S: What kind of vibrator?
M: It was like pink and with the bunny ears.
S: Okay, right. A rabbit.
M: It was really cool. Yeah, I was real cute too. And so eventually I did buy one and I started... And at first, there was these good things and These bad things that I learned about myself. Because at first it was like, Okay, I can actually do what I wanna do.
S: And you have complete control.
m: I'm not gonna force myself to do something that I don't wanna do. But then I would find myself, you always have this pressure like, Okay, I wanna come... But I wasn't there yet. I was so sexually repressed after my trauma like that, I wasn't open to those things until then, so then I had to watch myself of like, Okay, I'm not gonna do more than I don't want to, because I thought it was so ingrained in me to do things that I was uncomfortable with.
S: What do you mean? Like Having to come, even though you weren't there yet? Or like other things.
M: Like doing more Then I wanted to because the goal was to come...
S: Okay, right, so then I thought like, I had those sorts of like, Oh, maybe I'm not doing enough, I'm not doing this right, I started talking bad to myself, and then I was like, No, this is the shit we're liberating ourselves from... Right, then I get to do what I want and no one gets to judge me. So then I was learning all of that. And at first, I would just put the vibrator in between my thighs and just leave it there, that's how I started and... Right, and then the time I would do a little bit more, I would play with myself more until you started... I started to learn what I really like... I was like, Oh shit, this feels really good, right, fuuuuck... I'm gonna do this again... And I remember when, the first time that I was coming close to coming, I stopped... I like panicked...
Really, I panicked and I was like, Oh, is this even okay? I think it's because of my sexual trauma that I was like, there was a part of me still inside of me saying... You don't deserve any of this. And then I knew, I knew that's where I was coming from.
So then the next time I tried further and I tried further. So the first time that I actually came, I came and then I cried.
S: Because it was like a release. Like, You freed yourself from that little voice... And you came.
M: And I came... I did exactly. It was all of that. It was like, Wow, I finally came out. This feels so good. I wanna fucking do this again, but it was also, when I release it, I felt all the pain that I was holding and then I was like, Wow, that was so much pain, and so it was like a sad, happy moment that... 'cause I felt all that pain, I released, but then you released it, but then I released it, and I felt really good. Yeah, and I fucking came.
After so long, that was awesome. And I kept, I kept going, I was like, Oh okay, I'm knocking down barriers. Every time I'm learning and I would feel so confident afterwards and it changed how I went outside in the world and I was like, Wow, I really do have all of this power inside of me, and these are all constructs, all hetero-normative, toxic masculinity, constructs that were holding me back. So I felt so much more confident and I was just masturbating away.
Yeah, and my life was great.
Yeah, and then at the time, Okay, this is where... cis-hetero men ruin shit? Okay, so then at the time, I had a partner and it was a partner that I felt sexually safe with and everything, and then they asked me if I felt comfortable masterbating in front of them.
So I was like, Okay, I feel safe, I know what I'm doing, this is for me. They're just kinda gonna be there, and at first I was a bit nervous because I had worked so hard to feel comfortable with myself, now another person was in the room and it was just...
S: Does that mean you didn't feel comfortable, as comfortable having sex with the other person as you did, or master brain was just so sacred to you...
M: Yeah, I think because masturbation for me became something so intimate and spiritual for myself that it was different than whatever I was having with that person, so then when it came to them watching me was like they were... Yeah, they were watching something sacred to me, and so it was like two different things for me... Well, I think still is. And then... So at first it was a lot, it was really fun, they did the foreplay for me and I was really turned on, they moved away and then I started masturbating, eventually I forgot that they were there, they weren't trying to get involved or anything, they were just watching and I forgot they were there...
I came two times. And it was great, I was done and I was just laying there. All relaxed and then I don't know what I was expecting, and then I asked him, What did you think? And they were like, Oh, that was really impressive.
And like what? ! And so for me, after I started coming, that's actually been very spiritual for me, and because I practice my ancestral lineage, I practice curanderismo, I'm learning too. And so the times that I've been able to come, I get like a message or or a really powerful feeling of something, so there's been other times when I felt like... I really felt in my fem power, and I said... Because I was really, really feeling all my power, I was like, Wow, this whole system, all the isms, the capitalism, the patriarchy, everyhe heteronormativity everything, they literally had to build a whole system to keep me and my sexuality down, because that's how strong I am, that's how strong fems and mujeres are...
S: I love that.
M: And I was like, We can feel sad and oppressed and all of these things because of everything that happens to us and all the intersections that we live in, our embodiment and everything, but only in that way and how much and everything they've built, can they even try to keep us down because we still fighting back, and so I get these empowerment and relations of things, and then when he just told me... It was inpressive.
M: Yeah, I pretty much like... Yeah, it was cool.
I was like, Well, men really don't know, they really don't feel... They don't really see this as deep and as a multi-dimensional the way we see it, and I felt like that really struck me, and I felt like I had worked so hard to get to that point and to get to that intimacy with myself and all of these, right after all the sexual trauma, and then getting here to this point where I feel so free with my masturbation and then he just a obliterates it with a sentence.
And I... So then I take this and I'm like, I'm feeling this way, but I know that it's not okay to feel that way, it's not okay to take his patriarchy and internalize it in his lack of understanding and internalize it, but we do this, right? What somebody else does can hurt you, can affect you. You can take it in. So I knew that that was something that I was gonna have to work out again. So then I had to be... I would, I was like, I'm not doing this again. masturbation is for me, until I can find someone that will appreciate it for the spiritual and powerful thing that it is, but it took me some time because then I would come back when I was by myself alone in my masturbation, in my sacred space, to not think about that.
And to not think about, well, what did he like, what did he not like? Why didn't he say more? Why didn't this, this, and this. So then I had to reprogram, not reprogram, but go through the process again, of breaking down these constructions and telling myself, constantly again, this is for you. This is just for you. This is your intimacy, this is your time alone, This is your self love, this is you. This is your sexual experience, but luckily, I feel like also because I had already been through that once, it was a lot easier to do it thSe second time than the first time.
S: The healing was faster almost? Wheres it's like, I already know how to fix this.
M; Yeah, and I realized that it meant so much to me what that person has said because I have so many feelings for them. They were my partner for two years, and they were one of the people where I started to feel safe again after the assaultL, so it was just like a lot of... That I thought I trusted that person and then they talk bad about my sacredness, and so then I started to heal from that again, talking myself through it, until I came again and I was like, Fuck, this person.
S: This was on your own away from...
M: Yeah, after that one time, that was it.
I was like, I'm not doing this again with someone else.
S: What happened immediately after he said that, were you like...
M: I just said like, that's it?
S: And then did you put your clothes on and leave or...
M: Yeah, I think... Because I was laying down in bed, I was open, I was relaxed, you just kinda like lay there after you come, you're just there, and my body closed up, I sat down, I crossed my arms, I started to grab my clothes, these imposition started coming in.
Yeah, and my body, my body language was reflecting that, and so I was just kind of like, Oh okay, it's like... I'm gonna leave, now.
S: And you left... And what happened with that person?
M: We were no longer talk... That was a dead-end relationship.
S: and did you realize it just then and there? or...
M: No, I had already been seeing and feeling that relationship wasn't gonna go that far, that we had a lot of trouble, but that really did a lot for me because I thought they saw... They saw me in action in my power and in my sacredness, and they didn't know how to honor that.
S: They were not worthy.
M: Basically. And I was like, No, I didn't work this hard to put myself in a situation like this, I get to have somebody else like dim my shine, you know? Yeah, and I think that really... Because there's certain things like if your friends will tell you, he's not a good for you, He does this, you already told me this and you went through this and you kinda sometimes end up making excuses for your partner, but that's something that really hit me on the inside that I was like, No, okay, I really get it, that I am this worthy, powerful being, and if you can't be that with me, then I'm sorry.
S: That's amazing. I don't think I'm very there yet. I think I'm still like, Oh, maybe I'll find someone, but I don't know.
Every time I find someone, I'm just like, I feel like I have to dumb myself down and dim down, but I still go back and it's like I haven't learned that lesson yet. And well, I go back to the same person, but I'm still like, Oh, maybe I should find someone else, or it's just like... No, I don't know, I don't think I'm at that level yet in my healing, and I wonder... I always wonder, What alternate me, alternate reality me that hadn't been like raped. What kind of goddess would she be Or was she just be like really lame and am I the strong goddess version, you know?
I don't know, I always wonder what other me would be doing.
M: but regardless of our situations that goddess is there... It just depends on our life experiences, however, life occurred to us how we're choosing to bring out that goddess.
S: And on that note, is there anything you'd like to add, some more wisdom you'd like to drop... No is an okay answer.
M: Give me a minute. Yeah, I think I would just want to say that as femmes and mujeres we really bring a lot of that energy into anything that's sexual and right there so much heteronormativity within sex and what a sex should be that really, when you're having sex with a man, or anything sexual with them. And they think that they're the ones doing the work, or making this good, or making you feel good, or this is in this... But in reality, it's your sexual energy that is fading the room and that it's feeding the space because I... Because we are this really de powerful multi-dimensional sacred power, and what are they bringing to the space that isn't just to make you feel good, but it's still honor you, and are we asking these men, how are you going to honor the energy that I bring.
S: it's so interesting that you used to word honor because I've always associated that with not having sex. honoring yourself in your body and listening to Christ, because I was raised Catholic and like saving it for marriage. That's honor, it's not something that I normally associate with. Sexuality, I don't know, that's definitely my programming...
M: Yeah, I think I just struggle with that. In the beginning, I didn't have those thoughts because I also grew up in... And my parents are Catholic, so then there was a lot of shame when I first started masturbating, but then feeling my power, I was like, This is nothing to be ashamed about, feeling myself love, that is honoring myself, That is discovering the parts of myself that the church tries to tell you to repress.
S: Yeah, and I do all of that, like I am... Even being naked. My parents are like, Why are you doing that? And it's just like, this is how I feel comfortable. I'm not walking around naked in front of them, but even being comfortable with nudity at all was something that... They were like, You need to love yourself. honor yourself. Put it away. I don't know, that's such a different paradigm that I don't have... And I think that's really interesting.
M: Yeah, and they do tell you, Respetate, Respeta to cuerpo.
M: and it's like, I'm doing... What makes me feel good?
Yeah, no one is doing anything that's not consensual. I am in a safe place. I am the only one that has power over this, like what is not... To respect about that.
S: And also, why am I saving myself for... What if I don't get married and I suppose to Virgin forever... Like, who is this man that I'm supposed to save my whole life for, that I'm just supposed to wait for like No.
M: And again, I think about how sex and coming and masturbation and making yourself feel good is a sexual energy.
S: and it's not a bad one.
M: and we have many different forms of types of energies, and your sexual energy is just as important as your other energies, having that moment with yourself is just as important as praying to the universe as giving an offering to mother earth, as being there for your friend, you're being there for yourself, and I don't think... All of that is a form of respect?
S: Yeah, and honor... Yeah, that's definitely something that I'm gonna think about and try to process it, 'cause I don't feel ashamed of having sex or masturbating, but that it's not something that I necessarily associate with honor, but I don't think that's a bad thing either, so... Yeah, thank you.
Tales from the clit was recorded at the Ethnography Lab at UC Riverside in collaboration with the Cultural Media Archive. You can follow me, Stephanie, @SexEdSteph, and this podcast @ ____ talesfromtheclit on Instagram.
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