TFTC: E1: "James and the Jalapeno Hole" Transcript
Updated: Apr 7
This is the transcript for the Tales from the Clit episode, "James and the Jalapeno Hole." I wanted to make this transcript available to make the podcast as accessible as possible. So whether you're hard of hearing or you just learn better by reading, this is here for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make this more accessible.
Steph: Hi! Welcome to Tales from the Clit. I'm Stephanie and I'm a sexual educator. Since 1982, over two billion federal dollars have been spent on abstinence education programs, meanwhile, only 13 states require the information and sexual education programs to be medically accurate. These political choices have a very real effect on the personal lives of individual citizens in the United States.
I believe that every sexual encounter is a learning experience, I believe in the power of storytelling, especially as an educational tool. This podcast is a blatant attempt to mix these two beliefs in which you and I will be learning about sex through the stories people tell. Listener discretion is advised.
So today we're talking to...
Steph: And how do we know each other?
J: we met each other through my partner, Russ.
S: Okay, and today we're gonna talk about...
J: The trials and error of a bottom... Oh my God.
Yeah, so I wanted to start off by saying that I met my now partner Russ my first year, and it was on Grndr because I was just so new to everything, especially meeting up with guys and bottoming especially, it was like one of the most awkward experiences of my life... Getting to do sexual things. 'cause like I was a teenager and I was closeted, throughout most of my high school experience, you know?
S: and then... You were a freshman?
J: Yeah, I was a freshman in college.
S: Seventeen? Eighteen?
J: around that age, yeah.
We'll just keep it eighteen for now. Okay.
But I... Yeah, so I talked to Russ for a bit on Grinder, and I thought he was super cute, and the first night I had met up with him, he was super sweet... He just told me he wanted to cuddle, but it was like 9 o'clock and he like... I mean, from my perspective, I was like, Does he just want a cuddle, you know, I still had that inkling, like he wanted to do something more, but our first night, we spent the entire night talking to each other, we stayed up to almost 6 o'clock in the morning, talking about our lives and stuff, and then I ended up giving him head the entire night too, so I can give you head and I can give you a good conversation like That's what I'm good for... So we had talked each other throughout the entire year, but I wanna talk about my first bottoming experience with a guy that was actually consistent, It was like The first consistent person I had ever had done stuff with, if that is to make sense, but... Yeah, the first time I actually bottomed for him him was... It actually went really well. I had boughten a douche, I had... Yeah...
S: How was douching?
J: Douching was, douching was an experience.
S: Did you live in the dorms?
J: Yes, I did...
S: Where did you douche?
J: Oh my God, that... That was disgusting. So, okay, so in douching, my douching experience in the dorms, was a journey... I had to make sure that no one was going to the bathroom.
I went during a dead time during the day, which was around four, five, everyone's at dinner or a class or doing something then that no one's really in the restrooms because there's like 25 other boys in that hall, it's a hall filled with 50 people. I lived in AI... Anyway, so so, so I always had to plan for it, that was the thing, so I ordered douche off Amazon, like any basic bottom that was just starting out, got my douche... Got a cup of water, 'cause I didn't wanna use the sink, I just felt like that was just unsanitary, and I also didn't wanna go into the shower and risk clogging up drain, so I would get a cup fill with water, go to the sink and go back into the bathroom stall. I fill up my douche with water in the cup just... And after that, I would just put it in and do that process all over again. Keep going back to the sink making sure it was good and clean, I was a very thorough... My first time bottoming, I was like, I did not wanna have shit on someone's Dick... It was not gonna happen.
And our first time bottoming, my first time bottoming with Russ was good, but it was kind of awkward at first 'cause I really wasn't used to sex.
S: Is this the first consistent Dick that you had that you were talking about?
J: Yeah, the first can, consistent Dick. He was the first ever. And it went really well in the... Yeah. Well, really well, first one really well, he actually didn't come 'cause he got tired of fucking me, I would just go harder, I was just like, go... It was like, You're not doing it hard and at one point, 'cause I was like, I was like, I want to be wrecked.
I don't know, I was very ambitious as a young bottom, I was like, Yeah, my holes tight... I keep it right. Keep it tight.
That's because I just didn't have sex, but I was in an... I was letting him just go for it, but he got tired, so he never really finished and it was a good experience, I came... I came from him just fucking me, which was really nice, I...
I think he gave me one of my first actual... I guess anal orgasms? I guess, if that makes sense?
S: Prostate orgasm.
J: Prostate orgasm, yes. He was one of the first to give me that... I know he was actually the first...
I don't think I've ever told him that I don't wanna make him feel too confident. But he was the first, I'm not going to lie. Yeah, I don't wanna make him too confident.
Yeah, but yeah, that's how it goes. And then our second or second and third time, 'cause we only had sex a couple times our first year, and it... It was not good, I got too bold 'cause the thing with me is that I'm a very big into foreplay and giving to another person, so most of the times when we did have sexual experiences, it would just be me giving him head for two hours or doing fun stuff, being intimate, that it didn't involve actual penetration like in an orifice of my body.
So during the second time where we're gonna have sex, we decided to have it in the shower... 'cause I was like, you know, we had it on your bed the first time, and you know, Let's change it up. Let's go to the shower.
S: In the public showers?
J: Yes, in the public showers in the dorms. Not AI, 'cause that's gross. You can get foot fungus up in there, you have to wear shower sandals. It's not a cute time, its kind of gross, but we did at his dorm. His are A little more exclusive. He had that money.
And I was here for it.
Yeah, and so we get to the shower and I'm like, Alright, we start kissing, we do foreplay, do our thing, and we realize we don't have any lube, and I was like, You know, Water Works fine, right.
It's gonna do such a great, its Water.
J: I'm saying that now to the audience, it's a fat No, water is not good for anal, water based lube on the other end.
Okay, that's a different story. So as I was saying, he tried sticking it in and it felt like my asshole was literally about to tear, it felt like so much pressure, it was so painful, and at one point I was like, I told them to to stop 'cause I was like, This is not working out, and he had just taken me out to eat too... Right before, I would say an hour or two before, and that was another mistake.
S: What did you eat?
J: Girl, I ate. So I, it was the...
I was like, Okay, listen, I'm not one of those bottoms that like, Oh, I'm gonna starve myself so I can have sex... No, I'm gonna eat. I'm a bigger boy, I'm going to eat something. And I didn't... I was still new to bottoming, I was still new to everything, so during that time while we were in the shower, we had finally figured it out, he just used spit...
It was like, it's not the best thing, not tthe worst thing wouldn't recommend it. But it is what it is. Can't change it now.
So he put spit on it and everything was good.
It was a little painful, but I was okay with ii, it was a good pain tolerance, I'm kind of a masochist, but doesn't matter, so he was putting it in, going in and out, and then we got to the point where he wanted to ride me, so I was still staying on him and as we're maneuvering down into the shower.
S: So this was standing sex.
J: Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was standing.
S: Or, were you bent over?
Yeah, I was bent over and then we maneuvered our way down. And I started riding him for it, but it wasn't working out, so I decided to get up and I kid you not... It was shit city. Literally, the condom looked like... I don't know how to describe it.
Have you ever seen bean paste...
J: Yeah, that. imagine that on a condom, it was gross, nasty, not fun, and I remember we immediately just stopped entirely killed the mood.
But he understood, he did make me feel bad about it. He was just like, You know what, we'll try a different time, we'll get it at a different time, and then our second time having sex, we were like, You know what, let's do it on the bed again. It worked good for us again, and I was still new to bottoming and I still hadn't figured out douching, I still hadn't figured out when to eat or to not eat or what to eat specifically if I was going to bottom, and that time I still eat a decent meal I had a sandwich or something, something like hefty, the... And I got in on him again and it got on his bed, I got on his bed sheets and I had to wash his bed sheet and then give them back the next day.
It was really embarrassing.
C: But long story short, he still loves me. I don't know why, Apparently, I'm not really great at sex from these stories, but apparently I'm doing something right. So we carried on throughout our lives, we kind of stopped seeing each other for like a year or two, not like a year and a half, and then we met back up midway during my second year, and we got together and now we're boyfriends, and we're having a great time. And I want to share that I still don't know how to bottom correctly.
S: Yeah, SO the first story was two years ago?
J: yeah, I'm a third year now, and that was two years ago, my first year... And I still don't know the bottom correctly, I still don't know what eat and I still know know how to time things correctly, it's honestly just a trial and error process, it's all about just knowing yourself, and I still don't know myself 'cause I've only been having sex for five years, and it hasn't been consistent enough in my life to actually get to know my body, and I think that's another thing I wanna talk about is that a lot of people don't know how their body works, but this story... Oh, mama. It's a lot, so...
Me and my boyfriend, we're hanging out, I just came to his place 'cause I was just hanging out in my place, I had eaten spicy food.
J: I had Hot Cheetos girl, and I had a jalapeno pizza. I was eating all the spices, I don't remember before I had gotten there that something just like wasn't right, you never eat a too much spicy food and your stomach It's like, I don't like you right now, like your stomach is cramping, it hurts, but you can't poop yet.
It's like that type of thing, and it was just not it for me, and so I didn't let him know 'cause I was like, I know what I like, it's probably not... We're probably not gonna have sex today, it's whatever, and I still brought my douche over 'cause I know I... It might happen. It might not happen, I'll douche whatever.
And so we're watching some show on Netflix, and I do... It was fine, we were having a good time where you were just chilling out and you know how if you're chilling with someone you know or someone comfortable with a partner, a hook-up and they just... They initiate something. Well, he initiated it. I'm claiming that now he initiated it. I did not start this, but I did want it, but... And so we... We're talking about... No, we're just sitting on... So we were lying down watching Netflix, so having a grain a grand all time.
S: And your stomach was still cramping?
J: It was still cramping, but it was a minimal 'cause I was going in and out of the bathroom to go poop... But it wasn't a lot of poop... I felt like if I douche, it would have been fine, you.
S: Oh, okay.
J: Yeah, and so he initiated everything and I was like, Okay, we're into it, we're doing four play, and the time comes where he was like, Hey, babe, are you good to bottom... And I was like, Yeah, I can go douche right now. And we can have a good time. And so I douche like everything.
My rule is that it's clear, you're in the good, but... But even then, I still go, it's a little... I feel I do still do at least two to three times after it's clear, just to make sure... And even that's the process, douching is so long, so I get out of the bathroom... And he's just doing his own thing.
S: What does that mean?
J: I mean, he's keeping it up if that makes sense. Yeah, so he's keeping it up and he's like, Do you wanna get on top? I was like, Yeah, of course, no problem. So I get on top and I was like, Yeah, cool. Everything's feeling good. Everything's filling, right? And he's like, Alright, I wanna switch positions. I want to fuck you.
Well, no, not fuck, he was fucking me, but Basically, I was fucking him you know, I was riding it.
Yeah, so we get off of the bed and I go on to the side of his bed and he puts it in and he's doing it pretty fast and stuff, and I feel a burn, it doesn't... Something doesn't feel all the way right.
It starts to burn a bit, but I don't mind it 'cause I was like, my butt's been burning all day because of the spicy food, whatever, I'm pretty sure he can't feel it. Right. I was wrong, and I was so wrong.
And we're a couple of minutes in to him doing his part of sex, and he's like, Babe, my dick burns, it really fucking burns, and I was like, Don't stop, I'm about to come right now.
He was like, Well, I'm about to come too... And I was like, Please don't stop, please don't stop ripping on to the side of the bed onto the matches, grabbing his sheet.
And he was going in and he was like, It fucking burns.
And he keeps doing his thing and we keep going, so he keeps doing his thing and he's doing great, but I still feel the burn too... It feels a little uncomfortable for me.
S: Yeah, but you're still going to come...
J: Yeah, I'm still gonna come... Regardless, he's hitting MY prostate, of course, I'm gonna cum... So he keeps doing it.
He like busts, we bust at the same time, the... And I, I have never seen him run in my entire life... In my entire life, I've been with that boy, I've known that guy, I have known that boy for two years and I have never seen him run that fast to the bathroom.
It was the most shocking thing.
And he's like, babe my dick is burning. He's like, What is wrong! ?
I was, I was like, Oh my god, are you okay? I'm frantically, I'm like, Oh my God, did I burn his dick?
I was like, damn My butthole is actually fire. And I'm like, Okay, what's going on? He was like, I don't know, it just burns, and I'm trying to think of everything of why it would burn, and then I realized I had a lot of spicy food and I didn't put two and two together that it would actually hurt him and... Yeah, and he was... The water's not helping, my dick is literally burning, and I was like, Okay, what do I do do... Do you have milk or something, 'cause that normally helps me to... If I'm eating spicy food or something or like, and I kid you not, there's a top of Ben and Jerry's in my freezer, grab it now.
S: What flavor?
J: I think it was like the late night, like cookies in dough?
S: Yeah, the Colbert one?
J: Yeah, the Colbert one. Yeah, It was that one. chocolate cookies dough, something weird. Anyway, it was just not right.
And I grab it, rip it open, run to the shower and give it a... And he grabs a scoop full of ice cream and he just puts it on his dick.
S: Oh, I thought he was gonna put his dick in the ice cream.
J: No, he did not put his dick in the ice cream, He scooped it out of his hand and just rubbed it in...
I'm surprised he didn't get a UTI after that.
S: Yeah, yeah, that's a lot of sugar.
J: It is a lot of sugar, especially going into a pee hole, like boys to clean themselves out like that, but I think it's because he peed after... Yeah, that really helps.
Yeah, and even after we were lying down after everything had happened, he was still... He was like, It still stings a little bit.
And then after we had that story, we called you!
S: Which I was so honored, like that's awesome, that makes me feel so special.
J: yeah. What did you think of that story?
S: I thought it was hilarious. And I think I was watching TV and drinking wine and just chilling out, and it was just like a nice... You like a little... It was just like, Yeah.
J: Me and Russ knew that you were going to laugh and appreciate that, We called you right after it happened, like I kid you not, It's not even after we lied down, I think we had just gone out of the shower, and we called you immediately because we knew you would love that story.
S: I loved it so much, and then I actually used it as a lesson for somebody else, I told them the story like, Oh, my friends told me about how they ate this before they bottomed, so Don't eat that, like here's what you should eat.
J: Jalapenos beware! They're gonna be jalap in yo dick. They really are, That's the thing. It really burned him. It burned my ass. Who didn't think it was gonna burn his Dick...
S: Did you put ice cream on your asshole...
J: No, no, I didn't. I wish I wouLd have, but honestly, my butthole was really raw, 'cause I kept wiping all constantly 'cause the spice food was not doing me justice in the moment, but yeah, I just felt really bad the entire day 'cause I was like that a guilty...
I felt a guilty, I was like, I'm a horrible bottom.
As the years go by, I get a little bit better, but not a whole lot better. There's always that one big slip up, and I felt like that was the big one for me, was just burning my boyfriend's Dick.
S: He wasn't using condom. Right.
J: no, 'cause we were pretty committed to each other, so we don't really try to open up our relationship like that...
J: Yeah, or during the time. Yeah, we did.
S: I wonder what it would have been like if he had been wearing a condom, would he have felt the burn... Would something... Would it have hurt the material. The condom, you know?
J: I don't know, maybe not. Maybe I would have just felt the burn... Yeah.
S: Would that barrier be enough for him not to feel that kind of burn...
J: 'cause the thing that I think about it is, what if I had jalapeno seeds in my ass that didn't fully digest from my tract? you know? And like that got on his dick and that started burning him. That's what I was thinking about. What if it is just like the Jalapenos.
S: Well I mean, sometimes even touching the jalapeno, without even the seeds and then rubbing your eye... That hurts.
J: Yeah, so that's maybe probably what comes...
S: Yeah, I'm sure it's called something. science whatever.
: Yeah, I think that was one of The most embarrassing stories I've had with him... Yeah, yeah, but he's great. He still loves me. I'm not the best bottom, but I'm a bottom none the less...
S: That's beautiful. Can we end on that?
S: Okay, do you wanna do a quick lesson... What was the lesson?
J: The lesson of today was to not eat spicy food before you bottom, it's not a good idea, you're gonna burn your boyfriend's dick if you're having stomach issues, just like don't just... end of the story, just do not have sex. Do not have anal specifically.
S: Okay, perfect, thank you so much!
J: No problem.
The clip was recorded at that ethnography lab at UC Riverside in collaboration with the cultural media archive. You can follow me, Stephanie, @SexEdSteph, and this podcast @ ____ talesfromtheclit on Instagram, and you can send any questions to our email firstname.lastname@example.org.
If for any reason you were triggered by content in this episode or need resources to deal with sexual violence, then contact the rape, abuse and incest national hotline at 1  656-4673 or find it at www.rainn.org, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1  799-7233 or find it at www.thehotline.org.
Cultural Media Archive.